For years, I searched for home in all the wrong places.

I looked for it in relationships, believing a partner would complete me. I looked for it in my career, throwing myself into work that was fulfilling but still left something missing. I even thought home was literally a house—and while there was something deeply comforting about finally having that permanence in my life, it still wasn’t the answer.

Because home isn’t an outside thing at all.

The Search for Belonging

Think about what we’re really pursuing when we try to stay on the straight and narrow path society has laid out for us. When we follow all the rules, check all the boxes, and try desperately to colour within the lines.

I believe the biggest thing we’re seeking is belonging—to be loved and to have a place in this world.

This is why we pursue things that don’t actually matter to us when we’re told they should. We think that’s our ticket to having a space, to having somewhere to belong. It’s all connected to that deep, primal need for home.

Home and belonging are so entwined because home should be the place where we’re automatically given belonging just by virtue of coming into this world. But for most of us, that’s not the case. And even for those who seem to belong within their families, I’d argue it’s not true belonging if they’re holding back or watering down aspects of themselves to maintain that space.

Masks We Wear

Women often cover up who they truly are without even realizing it’s happening. It’s not always a conscious choice.

When we’re young, we’re the purest expressions of all that we are. But that wildness gets tamed out of us until we become disconnected from who we really are. We learn where it’s safe to shine and where it’s not, what topics are acceptable and what’s taboo.

We end up constantly masking and unmasking just to navigate our everyday lives—to avoid upsetting people, to be considered “nice,” to be welcomed into social circles. This becomes so natural that we forget that wild, untamed child we came into this world to be.

She’s still inside you, though. She’s 100% there, alive and well, just waiting for you to unleash her.

But here’s the thing: after being conditioned to water ourselves down and blend in, we have to actively choose to do something differently. We have to consciously give ourselves permission to be outspoken, to say what needs to be said—not just for the circumstance, but for our own hearts to be heard.

Learning at the Edges

We’ve been conditioned to fear doing things wrong. We have this mindset that being perfect and good is how we find acceptance and belonging. This keeps the status quo level and positions of power undisrupted because everybody just plays their assigned part.

But when we can be brave—when we’re willing to let things be awkward, clunky, bad, or hard—when we go into those darker edges, that becomes some of the most courageous work we can do. It’s one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves.

Because we don’t even know where our edges are if we always do what we’re told and colour inside the lines. We don’t know what’s possible for us unless we’re willing to explore those boundaries.

I can tell you honestly: I am the product of many, many mistakes. I’ve done so many things wrong. And sometimes, even things I’ve done “by the book” have blown up in my face. Yet I love the person I am, and I’m genuinely happy with how things have turned out.

As long as we try to control everything—as long as we hold the reins so tight—we miss out on being completely delighted by what might emerge on the other side of failure or hardship.

Sacred Anger and Reclamation

For years, I buried my anger. Growing up in a volatile environment, there simply wasn’t space for me to have anger of my own. It wasn’t physically safe for me to express it.

I internalized and buried it so deeply that eventually it would come out in snippy, unprofessional ways. In my corporate job, I earned the nickname “little ball of rage”—something people who know me now would find ridiculous, but it was accurate then.

I didn’t like my job, what I was doing, or how I was showing up. Nothing that was supposed to bring me satisfaction did, and I had no idea what to do about it. That’s a lot to be angry about, not even counting childhood trauma and other factors.

My relationship with anger started with people-pleasing and passive aggression. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t teaching me anything—it was just how I was coping.

When I began my spiritual journey, I started to realize how hardened I’d become. I had always considered myself an open book, but I wasn’t. I was very careful about what I shared, sometimes weaponizing vulnerability to test others.

As I softened and broke down the protective shell I’d built around myself, I began to sit with my anger. I recognized I had a deep fear of doing harm with my words, especially as a parent. As an intuitive person with the gift to understand people’s hearts, I knew in the wrong hands this could be the cruelest weapon—and I never wanted to weaponize that gift.

Learning to express my anger constructively became a sacred mission—one that started as an intellectual exercise but evolved into something much deeper.

Finding True Home

So what is home, really?

Home is a sense you need to own within yourself. The only way to truly do that is to know yourself—not just the perfect parts you show the world or the aspects you’ve been told you should embody.

It means going into the shadows, stepping into those dark edges, and being willing to say, “Yep, that’s pretty ugly, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad. It just makes me human.”

The more we can ask questions and explore those unexplored parts of ourselves, the more we find our truest version. And ultimately, that’s where we find home.

What We’re Here To Do

I believe our purpose in this life is to become the truest version of ourselves.

That’s why we’re sentient beings who relate with other people and have experiences that evoke reactions within us. That’s why we quest for knowledge and new experiences—so we can see what those experiences reveal about us and how we feel about what we’re learning.

It’s not just about shedding everything we’ve been told to be (though that’s part of it). It’s about finding new ways of being that perhaps we hadn’t considered because they weren’t modeled for us growing up.

When we commit to this process of knowing ourselves fully—embracing both our light and our shadows—we develop something unshakeable within. A sense of home that can never be taken away, because it lives in the truth of who we are.

Ready to discover more about your authentic self? Take my Survival Self Archetype Quiz  to gain beautiful insight into who you are at your core. You’ll also receive resources to support your journey to becoming unshakeable in your truth.