(Perhaps the shorter list would be who doesn’t?)
I’m going to be honest – worthiness is probably my biggest hurdle. It is tied to OLD hurts, like childhood stuff that I mostly can’t remember, and when it comes up, the wounds are DEEP and the feelings are RAW. When I cry to move feelings of unworthiness, it feels like it’s rooted somewhere deep in my core and is just scrambling to get out of me, having been trapped in there for most of my 35 years on this planet.
Feeling unworthy has played out for me in jobs.
I’ve been paid too little, I’ve been treated too poorly and stayed. (I had a job where I was felt up by one of the owners on a nearly daily basis and no one could help me, and the only reason I left was because I moved for school.)
It played out for me in relationships.
I chased men or was involved with me who were unavailable in pretty much every sense of the word. Even the man I married was supposed to be unavailable (he lived across the world and was painfully shy with me) and if not for him really taking the initiative to make us happen, we wouldn’t have the beautiful life we now share.
It plays out in my business.
I’ve often played small, or avoided getting credit. I didn’t ask for testimonials or referrals. It stopped me from pursuing my business sooner. It held me back from an awesome group coaching program I wanted to start for small business owners because I felt like “Who am I to hold this space for them?” It has me self-sabotaging and procrastinating. It makes me sick when big projects come in from people who want to work with me and makes me think “Why do they want to give me their money?” which completely negates everything I do for them.
Feeling unworthy is fucking awful. And what I’m trying to tell myself is that it’s also a big fucking LIE.
Who am I to hold this space?
I’M AWESOME. I do a lot of good. I’m a talented designer who is mostly self-taught. I hold events and retreats, even when participation or engagement is low. Even though I haven’t attended many myself. Even though I never learned how to host them. Even when it’s time I could be dedicating elsewhere. I have my mission, and I keep pursuing it, even when it’s not convenient.
I have a big heart and I am open, and genuine and authentic. I am raw and vulnerable even when it hurts because I hope that my story and my mistakes will help others not have to experience them.
So… I’ll just be over here… holding a tiny match and trying to fan it into a big fire. Because the world needs my light… and I’m going to fight the shitty feelings of unworthiness to share it.