This is one of the most personal and vulnerable blog posts I’ve ever written. I blame it on my Cancer moon who always feels moon-related shifts so deeply that it stirs a lot up inside. But also, I believe that we need to have more raw, real, and honest conversations like these, and if I’m expecting other people to do it, then there’s no reason why I can’t be the one to get the ball rolling. (And if you’d like to jump in the comments after reading the end, it would be an honour to witness part of your journey…)
Hello new moon. Final new moon of the (dumpster fire) year 2020. It’s nice to see you, but you feel a bit intense, if I’m honest.
Last February I was preparing for small surgery, and even though it was small, I was afraid. I literally asked the doctor if I needed to say my goodbyes just in case… and while that may sound like leo melodrama (something I’ve been accused of more than once in my life), it’s actually a big part of the anxiety I’ve been living with for nearly a decade.
The night before surgery, I put on this Florence and the Machine album and I danced in my living room. Alone, but with my eyes closed because I still felt self conscious. The tears fell. I could feel every aspect of myself that I’d held onto instead of dealing… old traumas, stories I told myself, projections other people had about my plus sized body… I was a mess.
They say “the issues are in the tissues” and in my case, the issues in my tissues needed tissues of their own because that movement unleashed something.
That was 2019… and now, nearly 2 years later, this is one of the areas I’ve been pretty checked out about still. It’s in my awareness, and I dip in and out of it, but it’s something I haven’t been comfortable wading into fully. Which in some ways is funny because I’m fearless and shameless in almost every other area of my life. One of my students said I remind her of the goddess Kali because I support her in facing her fears.
Reflecting with the new moon always brings BIG questions.
So I asked myself if I’m a hypocrite. Helping people face fears, and lean into their discomfort with anger, while not diving into my own.
And I don’t think I am.
I feel that doing is one thing, but readiness is an essential requirement. Otherwise, doing when you’re not ready will likely lead to more trauma and shame.
This morning I had a chat with my friend Sarah Berneche who is an anti-diet nutrition therapist about one of her posts on Instagram. I told her how deeply it touched me, but how I knew I wasn’t ready to work with her. And even just admitting that to her felt shameful somehow.
And it felt uncomfortable.
But I sat with it anyways.
So what does any of this have to do with today’s new moon and solar eclipse?
I’ve personally always struggled with setting intentions. I want to experience it ALL, and I trust the divine to provide the opportunities I most need for my growth… but that doesn’t give me much ownership of the life I’m living, so I’m working on being more intentional.
The new moon is the PERFECT time to start thinking about intentions. She has this beautiful way of amplifying our heart’s desire, allowing us to dream bigger, magnifying what we want and calling it all the way in. (Assuming we’ve made space for it. But that’s what the full moon is for.) The solar eclipse takes that a step further. Especially with both of these happening at the end of the year… of this year in particular – one that we’re definitely ready to let go and create something new with.
So I turned on this song that was already in my head, and put it on repeat so along with any intentions, I could call in how that song made me feel. Not just for the next 30 days, but for all of 2021.
I took my mala in my hand, and about 10 minutes before peak eclipse, I started to pray this mantra:
I’m ready for miracles.
I said it for about 5 beads, but it felt wrong. So scratch that.
I welcome miracles into my daily life.
That felt better, but I knew it still wasn’t quite right. Sure, I welcome miracles, but it’s not the work I most need to do, and my energy body could feel it.
Because here’s the thing: your words MATTER. Especially when you’re setting intentions. So being precise, and digging deep enough to be fully honest really matters.
I got almost halfway around my mala when I heard this:
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I took a breath.
This is the invitation back to my body. That I can feel safe and secure with her, so we can journey this life together, instead of me dragging her along while I hang out somewhere outside of her. (Even my therapist noticed I operate from the upper 3 chakras most of the time.)
That was the scary truth I’d been avoiding.
Knowing I needed to make changes – not because I’m trying to meet some societal ideal, but because I’ve got epic shit to do and I need my body to support all of it. Because I’ve betrayed her and let her down so many times over the last 20ish years, and I want to apologize and make it right.
The new moon is the PERFECT time to start thinking about intentions. She has this beautiful way of amplifying our heart’s desire, allowing us to dream bigger, magnifying what we want and calling it all the way in. (Assuming we’ve made space for it. But that’s what the full moon is for.)
It’s time to walk the talk, beauty…
And because it’s scary, and uncomfortable, so it’s walking my talk.
I’ve always told my clients that I’ll never ask them to go somewhere I’m not willing to go myself. I’ve become somewhat desensitized by anger because of the life I’ve lived (you can read some of it in my upcoming book, Sacred Anger), and because of all the work I’ve done in the last decade or so. That makes me specially equipped to have the conversations I have with my clients, because they’re not desentized by anger. It still brings up shame and regret. It’s their trigger in the same way that being so comfortable in my own skin that I feel like I’m home, no matter where I am is for me.
And we can do all of it. Together.
If you’re someone who sets intentions, chooses a word for the year, or even creates resolutions… tonight is a wonderful (and deeply supported) energy to get clear about what you specifically want to call in.
Not what you think you should want.
What your heart ACTUALLY desires.
Because you are worthy of it all. I promise.
With love and magic,
PS: Are you coming to the live event I’m hosting on the last FULL moon of 2020? All the details are here.
It all begins with a conversation…
When you learn to make Anger your ally, you tap into aspects of you that you didn’t even know were there. Secrets you kept from yourself that it’s time to acknowledge and heal. I’ve created a guide teaching you 3 different tools to help you talk to your Anger, so you can learn the lessons within it, and make your way back to joy.