Me: I’d like to focus on abundance.
DM: Yes, that’s a viable seed.
Me: Okay, what else?
DM: Oh no.. abundance is more than enough for this year.
I laughed afterward and every time I’ve told the story, but holy crap was She not kidding! Because here’s the thing about focusing on something you’ve had a lot of blocks around – it brings up ALL of your Stuff (yes, Stuff with a capital ‘S’.). The good, the bad, the ugly. (Mostly the ugly, blech!) You end up waist-deep, slugging through mud and it’s BIG HEAVY WORK. And it is not easy, lemme tell ya. I just wrote about feeling unworthy, and to be honest, I think I’m still in the thick of that. It’s like this old story that I told myself about all the reasons I thought I was unlovable, undeserving, or just plain not good enough.
I’m gonna be honest here: it’s BORING dealing with the same old stuff. The same baggage that trails behind you. I’m tired of hearing myself talk/think about this struggle with worthiness and how it plays out in my abundance goals, or in my relationships, or with my clients. That boredom ends up triggering this little shame spiral of “Ugh, Seryna, SERIOUSLY… are you not OVER this by now?” But our Stuff goes DEEP… sometimes pre-childhood. In my past career as a Brainwave Technologist, I saw trauma patterns in people’s brains that came from having a difficult birth. THEY HAD ZERO RECOLLECTION of the event and yet, it was still finding a way to play out in their lives. (And if you wanna go seriously woo… you have things like karma, past lives, and ancestral healing that also contribute to the baggage we have to work through.) When it comes to relationships, yeah, it’s finding people who see your baggage and are willing to help you unpack. (They may even compliment the pattern or have their own matching set.) But if I look at my own Stuff, it’s actually bigger than that. It’s looking at the bags and saying “Alright… let’s do this.” and learning to unpack them myself.
Because here’s the true, ugly side of it all: regardless of what is happening external of me, I need to be okay. Yes, it’s great that my husband is loving and supportive, but he has his own life, and his own Stuff, so when shit happens, I can’t always lean on him. I need to be right with me. I need to stop judging the size or contents of my baggage and accept them for what they are. I need to stop telling myself stories about how the bag got so big and eclectic. I need to learn to love the pattern on the outside, or dress it up if need be, and I need to do the uncomfortable work of unpacking it, piece by piece, and giving love to every little part inside. Because THAT is self-love. Doing the work is self-care. It’s walking the walk. Sharing my vulnerable, heavy stuff here… ugh, it’s scary. I never know who is going to read this and put on their judgey pants, but I write anyways, because when I do, the guilt or shame or whatever goes away. It loses its power. And I know that by sharing my story, others will see themselves, and know they aren’t alone. We’re all in this airport of life, luggage in hand, waiting for our connections.
Is ignorance really bliss?
Not really. My experience is that while you can push through this stuff in some regular day to day interactions, these things have a way of catching up with you. They’ll leave you feeling disconnected. Disproportionately emotional (too angry, too sad, etc). People pleasing (because it’s easier to take care of anyone else than it is to work through your own crap). You may be able to get by, but are you really living if you aren’t authentically experiencing all that life has to offer?
For those of you doing your own work… THANK YOU. You are making a difference beyond your own life. You’re setting an example to the people around you for this work. You’re shining your light a bit brighter with each step forward you make. And seriously: good job! This is big, difficult, messy work… you’re rewriting your story and all of the programming you’ve received… you’re brave. You’re courageous. I’ve got my pompoms out just for you.
What I can tell you is this… I’ve downgraded my luggage… the bag is still full, but the case itself is smaller. I feel a little lighter. A little freer. So it continues… piece by piece… some tears… some snot (I’ll be honest, I’m an ugly crier).. Sometimes I laugh. Always I learn. And the beat goes on…